I managed 48 hours with no painkillers, but in the end it was such a miserable experience that I've started taking them again. Not as many though - I'm going to do my best to take as few as possible.

I'm stressed and frightened today. I'm hoping that my private health insurance might actually cover hypnotherapy, because then I could definitely afford to see someone here in London. I've ad a couple of people recommended to me, though it sounds like they are psychotherapists who use hypnosis sometimes rather than dedicated hpnotherapists. In the meantime I'm still looking for audio recordings to help me.

I've just got through the day with no painkillers! I was very uncomfortable earlier on, but amazingly I feel so much better now (10.15pm). I'm hoping I can get through the night without resorting to drugs too. I have my iPad apps waiting ready for when I go to bed.

Yay! :-)

I've been finding self-hypnosis difficult, and am now looking for a London-based hypnotherapist to help get me started. In the meantime, however, I've found some quite useful iPad apps in the Apple Store, and have been using these to help me learn to relax. These apps are by Darren Marks and Glenn Harrold, who are both UK-based hypnotherapists. I find that I respond better to an English accent than, say, an American one, so it was good to find these. I don't go into a very deep trance or anything, but they do help me to relax a bit.

One thing I find difficult is relaxing when I am already experiencing pain (as I do most days). This is annoying, as I am hoping that self-hypnosis will be a tool that I can use to help me cope with pain, so I need to find a way to get past that pain in the first place so I can actually achieve self-hypnosis!  I'm not really sure what to do.

First steps in self-hypnotherapy

I am currently working my way through Adam Eason's book, The Secrets of Self-Hypnosis: Harnessing the Power of Your Unconscious Mind. This was recommended to be by hypnotherapist Phil Mattingly, who is an old acquaintance. 

I know that I should be able to achieve self-hypnosis. Many years ago, in my first year at university, I followed a self-hypnosis script in a magazine and managed to put myself into some sort of trance; I relaxed by imagining myself sinking down in an elevator, going down floor by floor, and regressing in time as I did. When I opened the elevator doors at Floor Zero I imagined my parents' house as it was when I was four years old, and was able to walk around looking at objects and bits of furniture which they had got rid of many years ago and which I had completely forgotten about. It was fascinating. Then someone knocked on the door of my room and I came up out of the "trance" as though I was coming up through water towards the light. 

Adam's book describes a model that you can use to help put yourself into hypnosis. So far, I have just about memorised this model and am just beginning to try to use it. However, I know I need to be careful. There are various traumatic things that I have experienced in the past and I don't want to experience anything to do with these. I suffered from severe PTSD for a long time and after therapy was able to accept but not resolve some things. I am a bit scared as my first atttempt at self-hypnotising had me remembering something I would rather not remember, so now I am wondering if I should seek the help of a hypnotherapist to get me started safely.

I am currently awaiting the results of a CT scan that I had last week, and it's impossible not to feel anxious about this (cancer patients call this "Scanxiety"!). If it's good news, I'll have another three months free of treatment and will be able to plan a really good Christmas to make up for the last one being so horrid. If it's bad news I'll have to start chemotherapy again and face all the shit that involves. Losing my hair a second time will be difficult, I currently have a couple of inches and really appreciate having it. So, either the news will be utterly wonderful or utterly crap - there is no middle ground - and I will have to have these scans every three months for the rest of my life so I really hope I can use self-hypnosis to help me cope with this. 

Introduction

Hello, I'm a 35 year old girl who is seeking to use self hypnotherapy as a tool to control the worries and pain associated with living with terminal cancer. 

I was diagnosed with cancer in December 2010. Then, in January, I was told that a CT scan had shown that the cancer had already spread to my liver and was therefore incurable. I was told that my life expectancy was "18-24 months". 

I didn't panic when I was first told I had cancer. In fact, I have never properly broken down and wailed about it or anything. I remained calm and immediately thought, OK, this sucks but what can I do to help myself? My consultant recommended surgery, so I signed up for that at once and had it ten days later, on 18th December. I have spent a lot of time in hospital throughout my life (having been born with serious spinal problems) and so I don't have a fear of hospitals. I did a bunch of research and drastically changed my diet, as there is a lot of anecdotal evidence for various types of foods helping to fight cancer. This was basically just a lot of very healthy eating, rather than being faddy. I went through six rounds of chemotherapy and then in August a PET scan returned the result of "No Evidence of Active Metabolic Disease" - for that moment, I was considered to be cancer-free. However, having Stage 4 cancer means that it is expected to come back soon, so I have to take drugs and have scans every three months.

Obviously, like a lot of people with a "terminal" diagnosis, I don't really want to believe it. I try not to think about it too much; after all, I could still be hit by a bus tomorrow, just like anyone! I'm pretty good at keeping positive and calm, but I really want to get some tools in place to help myself maintain this. Stress is very, very bad for anyone with cancer, and I don't want to waste time being anxious and feeling low.  I want to live my life as much as I can, and enjoy myself as much as I can. I did have a blog about my cancer treatment for a while, until I realised that I didn't want to actually think about it any more than I had to! Around the time I was diagnosed, Jo Yeates was murdered in Bristol; all I could think was "at least I'll have a couple more years than than poor girl ever got to have". I see this time as a gift and I haven't given up hope that I can keep myself alive long enough for new treatments to come out that will possibly let me control things as a chronic disease rather than as a terminal one. I try not to think about the future I have lost, and concentrate on the immediate present that I have.

NB I should stress that this blog is about helping me to cope emotionally, and NOT about trying to hypnotise myself into a cure for my cancer!